I give gifts to my characters that I cannot experience in reality. It is a remarkable feeling to allow your characters to possess traits and emotions that you, yourself, will never feel or gain. I will explain this on an emotional level since it’s obvious that I can make my characters into whatever I wish. Emotions are an entirely different creature.

As of late, I have felt a deep well of loneliness for finding someone to relate to, or hold my hand and say everything is going to be okay. I carry many of the personality traits that many writers possess. I am an introvert, who would rather spend all of her time with fictional, imaginary beings than ones that live and breathe. I know that I am moody, yet easy to get along with. I will forever need immense amounts of ME time (writing time). The introvert doesn’t want to get out there and find a mate. She wants one to come to her, someone who is similar to her, someone who challenges her, someone who will meet her needs and knows when to leave her alone and be quiet. She is selfish and selfless at the same time.

If you’ve ever wondered why a Good Girl from a good middle-class family, one provided every benefit to get ahead in life, one who was attached to her previous mate since she was twelve-years-old and endured countless disrespects and trespasses would turn out to be an Erotica Author who specializes in BDSM fiction, look no further.

I can give and take the emotions I bestow upon my characters. I gift the emotions to them and the payoff is huge for me. I walk in a numb haze most of the time so that I do not feel the  pain of the past.  I know the experiences I’ve had but I no longer have access to the memories. They feel as if they happened to someone else. I do things to occupy my mind: read, write, or  fantasize new stories as I wait for the sandman. If I can’t delve into a story I will overrun my mind by counting. When it gets to the point that the memories try to tear themselves from my subconscious I will resort to a standby I’ve used for eternity: count backwards from 100 while simultaneously saying the alphabet backwards.

I use coping techniques constantly. Isn’t my storytelling the largest coping skill? It’s the ability to completely delve into somewhere else, be someone else. When I need emotions, I write them. When I need a hug, I give my characters a hug. Another skill I use, which I wrote for my character Eve during Chrysalis, is imagining myself slowly entering a large pool of water and allowing it to move up and over my body. This allows me to relax. When I need comfort I will imagine a fictitious someone holding me.

I give my characters the ability to feel since I cannot. Every character of mine possesses one of my traits. No two are alike, but how could anyone pull someone from their imagination without a similar thread? If they don’t hold my trait then they possess one I wish I had.

I wrote my newest novel, Good Girl, for fun not realizing what I was actually doing. I will say that Willow was the 18 year-old-me that I wish I could reclaim and comfort. I want to tell her not to make those mistakes. I want to hold her and slap her for the horrific mistakes she will make. Mistakes that will leave me numb with regret. Good Girl is a way to reward my youthful, naive, impressionable-self, not with the life that I wish I’d had, but the one the character desires and deserves. It is a way to explore the would have, could have, should haves.

I am spoiled and indulged. I will not lie. I feel bad about it. When people speak of the trials they go through on a daily basis to pay the rent and buy groceries I feel tortured. I have never went without since I came home again. I get what I want, when I want it. Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me better than anyone else? NO! It just makes me, me. This has hurt me as much as helped me. It held the 18 yr old back from finding the real her. It made her stunted and destined to live through hell her entire adult life. The life I lead now with the help and support of my parents was not the reality I lived from 18-32 years of age. The soft life that stunted me has healed the wounded woman that showed up on her parents doorstep. She isn’t healed all the way. Her psyche is still damaged beyond repair. She has to give herself fictitious hugs and comfort. The love of a great parents and family is priceless, the ability to shoulder your own weight is necessary, but sometimes the sad, lonely introvert wants someone to shoulder the burden, to comfort her, to take the responsibilities away. This is how the Good Girl becomes a strong woman who writes BDSM fiction…. I understand it because it is what fulfills me emotionally. & since I can’t live it, I write it.

As I write, I imagine what it would feel like to have a strong connection with someone- someone to turn to- someone who takes you as you are. I’ve never had that. My past life(because I am no longer that person) I was screamed at one moment and then hugged the next, but the hug was for his emotional well-being, it was to take his guilt away and to leave him in comfort. I’ve never had simple gestures of kindness until I came home to my parents. These gestures that are meant to heal the broken woman leave me feeling guilty when all my parents are trying to do is express that they care for me and appreciate me. It is such a foreign concept that even after two years it feels uncomfortable.

This is why I write in the genre I write in. I bestow gifts of a strong connection built on mutual respect and trust, a shoulder to cry on, a pair of arms to hold you, a leader to build you up mentally, spiritually, and physically. I write in the BDSM genre because of the RULES that govern the lifestyle but never seem to flow  into normal life.

I’ve often wondered as I use these coping skills to live if I am setting myself up for disaster. Is it strong to take all that you encounter with a sense of numb and shrug, or is it strong to cry it out and move on? I don’t know the answer to that. I do know that when confronted with abuse and broken trust, most people do not shrug it off and walk away. They fight, scream, cry, and ask why. Twenty years of my very young life was wasted. I’ve shut it all out. I felt as if the day I returned to my parents was the day I left them and nothing happened in between. The only time I feel is when I write or read because the emotions can not be blocked out. To block out pain you must also block out joy and love. I await the day I truly break- the day I begin to feel again.

This is my gift to my characters- the gift of emotional support from a Master- the gift of all things I wished I felt in reality.

ast week many people were going batshit about the lottery. The same question arose time and time again: If you won millions of dollars would you quit your job?
Another question popped into my mind when I saw a post from a fellow author. If your book exploded would you take your money and run- never to write again. Not their words, I’m paraphrasing. It was a thought that’s been on my mind for a while.  An author that wrote a major bestseller has since yet to publish a book… in years. It just blew my mind.

NO, I wouldn’t quit my job- EVER! I fear the loss of my sight or the ability to type or write. I’d just  tell my stories. If I lost my tongue, I’d just fantasize inside my imagination. I wouldn’t care if anyone even listened. I’d entertain myself.

I don’t see it as a job- it’s work and can be downright painful, but it’s not a job. Even while I deal with a frazzled mind, lack of sleep, and a fractured view of reality, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m so close to my deadline that I will most likely miss it. I had to take a step back… several steps back as I try to struggle forward. I’m on a journey that feels insurmountable and yet little by little I’m clawing my way to the top and I won’t stop until I hit the summit. (Projects completed) …and there will always be another project…

I know the above comment sounds as if it has nothing to do with the question at hand. I’m getting there- trust me. I just can’t fathom not writing. My mind would never allow me to stop. I try to take a step back and it pulls me right in.(Like now. Writing and I are on a break… and what am I doing? Oh, yeah… writing something) The high of progression, of looking at the finished project, is a heady thing. So to stop just because you won money or became a household name… I’m shaking my head right now…. Writing is a form of self-expression, an art form. It is a passion that lives deep within the storyteller’s soul. I instinctually know that the author who wrote a certain series of books (if you’re guessing on the author, you’d be wrong) is still writing. And if they’re not, were they really a storyteller to begin with?

The question wasn’t for those who work a job they hate. I feel for them. I HAD a LIFE I hated. I am blessed and I am thankful everyday that I get to live my passion. I’ve been there, done that, and refused to accept it. It’s for those who chose a certain path in life, one that fulfilled something inside them, would you throw it away because you won some cash? If the answer is yes, was it really fulfilling in the first place?

I don’t look at success by the amount of books I’ve sold or my bank account. I see eyes rolling right now. *tsk-tsk* I hear you saying, “said no one ever.” or “said by the person who lacks for nothing.” Yeah, we all need to eat… That isn’t my point… An artist looks at their work and that is their success. You’ve either felt it or you haven’t, and if you don’t know if you have or not, then you haven’t felt it yet. You’d know.

I would write if no one read my stories. I would write if I was bashed (I am bashed- often). I would write if I won millions or earned millions. (I’d just write in a better locale with a very happy family)

My point and I took a round-about way of getting to it. Would you quit your job? If the answer is yes, then you’re in the wrong profession. Not everyone can have a passion. Everyone excels at something different and everyone excels at something. If you don’t know what, then you haven’t found it yet. It’s out there. I’m not trying to sound like a pompous ass. Find something that breathes life back into your life. Something that makes your mind spark and a smile break across your face. It could be a puppy… How should I know, I’m not you. *shrugs*

That something is ALWAYS free…. Want is different than need. Yeah, I’d love to live on the beach and have a stud at my beck and call. Who wouldn’t want diamonds and a Porsche. Those are possessions, materialistic things. They are not a passion. A passion is free and nothing can give or take it away… So if you haven’t felt that stirring in your belly, the excitement bubbling up that no one around you understands, go out there and fucking find it. What are you waiting for?

***UPDATE***

I received a few comments of feedback I thought I should reiterate my point. I was speaking of professions that I see as a passion- where it flows in your blood and creates who you are. A mother doesn’t cease to be a mother the day her child leaves the nest. She will be a mother until she dies, whether or not she has a child. A doctor will always feel the need to heal. A musician sees words as notes and an artist as brushstrokes. If I’m not writing my mind still creates. This entire posting was directed at the author who would have stopped writing if their book went big. If you cultivate a passion your entire life and can so easily drop it, was it a passion? It couldn’t have been in your blood. This was more of a statement about how I feel about my work, not how your feel about yours…

I will most definitely step on a few toes with my views and I won’t apologize for it. You are more than welcome to have an open dialogue with me and we can change each others minds. Note: These are my opinions and mine alone. I will gladly add to this document the views of other members. What works for one person will not for another; a wide spectrum of views is beneficial.

Writing is a passion. It is a way of life for me. it is not a get-rich-quick scheme. It is an art-form and the phrase Starving Artist is highly accurate. I have a different view on what this phrase means. I’d rather starve than do anything else. And the other holds true as well; you will NOT become successful unless you work hard.

New Authors and aspiring Authors have a skewed view on the industry. The opinion is split down the middle: That an Indie Author can’t make a living off their royalties and a successful Author is rich. Yes, a few people get ahead by pure luck, but the majority don’t. You need to work for every penny you earn.

Some new Authors live in a bubble with other newbies and it stunts their growth. It is a trap and one that is nearly impossible to get out of once ensnared. They see minimal sales and fellow authors pat them on the back and this “Atta Boy,” is to their ruination. NO, it’s not good enough. It should never be good enough. I want to surround myself with Authors more successful than myself so I have something to strive for- to reach. The newbie bubble makes everyone complacent and they don’t rise up because they feel good with those false pats on the back.

My advice to the new Author *by the way, I still place myself in this category* WRITE! WRITE constantly. The only way to get ahead is by working your craft and growing, learning, educating yourself, and producing a product. You will only make money if you have a product to sell and a steady flow of said product.

The newbie bubble creates monsters who behave badly on many fronts. They scheme on ways to make money instead of creating a product. They work in collaboration while crawling on each others backs trying to get ahead. The only thing this accomplishes is pushing the Author you’re climbing on into the mud. And the one on their back pushes the lot of them deeper into the mud. Once there, you are officially trapped into that way of thinking.

In the beginning they give each other glowing reviews and it makes them feel invincible, which leads to this horrible behavior- review slamming. The afterglow dims once you receive a real review from a paying reader. The review may or may not be warranted, but the Author attacks the reviewer and it turns nasty and all Authors get a bad name from the atrocious behavior. My policy: I never respond to a reviewer no matter how strongly I want to. I grit my teeth and deal and move on. If it was constructive, I learn from it and adapt.

Spamming is a huge issue with me and I draw from my information from being a page owner of a review blog and site. I do not spam. I am not against posting links on pages and your own sites as spam as long as it as in moderation. Bi-weekly or less I believe is acceptable. I remove anything on Wicked Reads if I receive it more often that. There is a reason behind this. A reader will see the link so often that they won’t even see it anymore. The eye just roves over and catches what is new. It is subconscious. I won’t allow spam on my page since it runs my fans off and I lose likes and viewers. This leads to another bad behavior, disrespecting the page administrators by viewing them as your minion. If you give them swag, you do not own them. They pass the swag off to readers that benefit the Author, not the page. Pages are run out of love and dedication to the written word. Do NOT take advantage of them or disrespect them. Follow their rules, participate in their giveaways, and interact with their fans and your sales WILL grow. It is a harmonious cycle that everyone benefits from- Author/Page/Reader. Just because you published a work doesn’t make you entitled to use their services.

Reviews: Giving a free copy of your book is par for the course to obtain reviews in the beginning of your career and for each new release. This is my advice as a reviewer. Reviewing is stressful. Yes, the author gave them a free copy, but their review pays 10x over the cost of the free copy. You are not buying a review, so do not expect a glowing review. I nearly quit reviewing from the stress Authors put me under when I said I didn’t like it. I was concise with my reasoning, usually stating that it was a matter of taste, or I was explicit in what I found lacking. I never attacked the Author. It is bad behavior to attack the reviewer or even try to defend yourself against the review. It has given all Authors bad press as of late. A reviewer is entitled to their opinion and that is exactly what a review is- opinion. As a reader who loves to read reviews, I’ve often read the low reviews or ranting reviews and read the book because of them. They forced my hand for a sale for the Author. They stated things that I enjoy or look for. A bad review isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Use the advice contained within if it is constructive. However, if you have a thin skin, avoid the reviews. Why stress yourself out and behave badly, which breeds more stress.

I will NOT pay for reviews. I will NOT engage in blog tours that are geared toward guaranteed positive reviews where you pay for the service for X amount of blogs and X amount of reviews. I find this unethical. As a reader, I don’t like knowing that the review are bought and paid. I feel scammed. I won’t do that to my readers. I want a group of fans that understand me and look forward to my books and I don’t want to do that through schemes. Paying is the mentality of the BUBBLE. If you work hard and push your product to its target audience you will get a true following. If it is good, you wouldn’t need to pay for it in the first place.

Authors giving Authors a helping hand or a leg up.
This is wonderful, but it leads to expectations and entitlement that isn’t warranted. Bloghops, posting links on personal/author/fan pages, and on blogs for your nearest and dearest, fellow Authors is an amazing, rewarding experience that leads to sales. <— When it’s beneficial to you or you believe in the work of the Author, otherwise it is total chaos. Bubble Authors think we all are one big, happy family and they want you to do…do…do for them with nothing in return. And you may not even find their product a good product. We all need help. I’d prefer to do as this group was formed to do, give and take advice and information to get ahead. We don’t have to be friends; we are colleagues. If you hold a day job, are your coworkers your best buds? No? Exactly. Another issue with the bubble is the bubble itself- you post, spam, promote within the bubble because the bubble only has those within the bubble. How would you get ahead trapped within? You don’t!

My product will sell my product. As you hone your craft, your product will become more valuable. A strong bond with Authors that are in your genre is more valuable then being trapped in a bubble with thousands of authors. Think of it as American Idol or Survivor. The bubble is cut-throat and vicious in a passive-aggressive sort of way. How do I know about the bubble? I was draw to it like a moth to flame with its promises of warmth and comfort from the storm. I was snapped at a few times for my opinions and small successes. I quickly realized I didn’t have the mentality for the bubble. My sub-genre is dependent on one canon- Respect. I found no respect in the bubble and I crawled out because I couldn’t respect myself if I stayed in that false warmth with the “atta boys,” good reviews, and link sharing. I wanted to EARN it!

The ridiculous nature of the Bubble if put into a different context. Writing is an art-form. Imagine we are no longer speaking of words on a page, but rather, brush strokes on a canvas. Would it behoove an Artist to live within a bubble? Do artists sell only to other artists or do they sell to art lovers? When another artist sells a painting for more money do they run up to the canvas with a knife and slash? Do they add their own strokes to increase the integrity of the painting? They may share techniques and mentors, but they never elevate one another. Their art sells their art. They paint because they must. Painting for them is their life and they spend their life perfecting it.

I feel a need to express an opinion and since this is MY site, I will.

I started my career as a reader. I loved reading so much that I progressed to writing reviews, which led to Wicked Reads- a review blog and Facebook Page. I then became a published author. This progression taught me many valuable lessons. I have been on both sides of the Reader/Author line and I hold a lot of wisdom for it.

As a reader, we troll the review pages and get a flutter in our tummies when one of the authors interacts with us. It is a heady feeling. Readers place their favorite  Authors on a pedestal.  We don’t see them as human. They are the creators of our entertainment. Readers see the site and page admins as heroes who interact with both the reader and the Authors. I remember feeling so happy when I was acknowledged by either- giddy. In actuality, we are all just different levels of book addicts. Readers, Authors get giddy to interact with their favorite Authors as well. I was just fangirling the other day =)

As a reviewer/blogger/page owner, we interact with the fans and the authors. We work our ass off and our fingers to the bone to provide our fans the most information as possible and the best experience, and we want to elevate our favorite authors by pushing the hell out of their books. We will do this at the expense of our family time, free time, reading time, reviewing time, writing time, work, and our dwindling wallet. We do this with no payment because we LOVE everything books- we are the ultimate addict.

As an author, we are a fickle bunch. We are ultra-sensitive and take everything personally. We spend a lot of time inside our own heads and sometimes with it in the sand, and on occasion- up our asses. We make mistakes. We are human. If the reader is an addict, the reviewer the ultimate addict, we are INSANE for books. In order to write a story we have to live, breathe, eat, and  sleep our story. But we also must read- constantly- our own work and those that entertain us, in order to grow in our craft. We see the reader as someone we must seduce. We see the reviewer/page owner as our minion. <--& that is the reason for this blog posting.

I walk a fine line between all three categories. The reader loves to hear from the Author. The reviewer is annoyed when an author tries to defend or rationalize the review. The author is usually insecure and doesn’t know how to interact with the reader or tries to tell the reviewer to change this or that.

This has made me a better reader/reviewer/author. I understand when the author is leery of me. I write more sensitive, non-attacking reviews. I never interact with the reviewer and I try to tell the readers I appreciate their support. It’s a delicate balance.

As a page owner, I’ve learned about spamming by authors. I will delete those who are no a fan of my page because why should I blast your work to thousands of fans on my pages, blogs, and twitter when you don’t respect me enough for a like.  Even though, I too, am an author, I love pushing books. When someone drops a link on my wall I make sure to share on my page so all the fans have access. I will do this once and awhile for the same author. More than once a week and I delete it.  More often than that, a reader’s eye roves over the post because they’ve seen it before- a lot. I don’t want to inundate my fans with repeats. I find spamming to be the biggest offense of an author. I don’t spam my books on any pages, including my own, including my Author Fan page. Why? Because I was a reader/reviewer/page owner first. I want to help you, but not lose fans over spam, most definitely my own.  So unless it’s a new release or a giveaway, you won’t hear from Erica Chilson linking her titles.

Today my fellow Admin, Amber, was kind enough to post a link for a new author. Who proceeded to spam our postings on the page. I deleted them and posted this notice to our fans:

***Notice*** 
Please be respectful in regards to spamming. You may post links to your fan pages/groups/books/blog/pics on our wall and we love it. We will share them accordingly. Please do not spam our posts with your links. If it is related to the post, such as a review or picture, go ahead. If it is for monetary gain- don’t. That is what our wall if for. I will remove these posts as soon as they come to my attention, so it does no good. This is in light of spamming on our high traffic posts to get more viewers for the link. 
Wicked Reads loves to share and promote anything posted on our wall, however, spamming is frowned upon. 
*Admins*

I was done- angry, but I felt better after the  posting. We received a passive-aggressivecomment on our wall from the spammer. As an Author, I was ashamed of her behavior. As a page owner, I was furious. I preceded to write another post and I meant every heart-felt word of it.

**A Moment of your time**
I would love to express the amount of work that goes into running a page. I started Wicked Reads because of my love of reading and interacting with fellow book addicts. 
We dedicate hours of our time and our own money to give our fans a wonderful experience through posts, giveaways, freebies, and interactions. & We do this and expect nothing in return except to have a place to share our addiction with fellow addicts.

Pages are a wonderful way for unknown authors to promote their work for free. It is a wonderful way for authors to reach out and interact with potential fans. Page owners and Administrators work their fingertips to the bone helping to provide this service. Do NOT take this for granted. We get nothing in return. 
I am not saying this to get “Thanks and Good Jobs,” from our fans. I just wanted you all to take a moment of your time to understand the dynamic of a page and their Admins. Please thank the pages you love for their effort and time, bringing you valuable information, free swag, free books, giveaways, and free Promoting of your works. 
*Wicked Reads Admins* 

This is why I am writing this blog posting- Authors feed from the hand of the Pages- you do not bite those that feed you. You are not entitle to our free promoting if you are not respectful. I am NOT your damned MINION. I am an Author, who has many books under her belt- an owner of 3 pages- A FB group- 2 blogs- and a Goodread’s Librarian. I am no one’s minion, but my own!!  And I deserve a little f-ing respect for my hard work!!! You want to sell more books? Work for it! Be respectful! & Write! Learn! Grow! & Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!I was ashamed to call her a fellow author. The problem is, this happens every second, on every page, by so many Indie-Authors, giving Indie-Authors a bad name in the industry. I tried to give my advice to some Indie Authors and was laughed at and Frozen out! Why? Because they thought spamming, paying for reviews, and schemes was the way to get ahead. I am above that shit. I have some ethics. Spamming drives fans and friends away… Just because you offer a book for review doesn’t guarantee a positive review. As a reviewer, I hated having to choose between ethics and keeping the peace, to the point that I didn’t want to review for authors any more. Do I tell the truth or give 5 stars? Ya know what? I will choose ethics every time. Schemes to get ahead: NO! I’ll write, learn, and grow my craft- thank you very much…. We are not all bad apples. & yes, do send pages your links in moderation and with the utmost respect to the page.



If the Page is the hand that feeds…. the authors are the mouths, and the readers, the food. It is a continuous cycle that works in harmony if it is handled with respect. If an Author behaves badly, you’d be amazed at how fast they will starve and get severe food poisoning.