It's been a very, very long time since I blogged about anything. February to be precise. A lot has changed in that time frame, & I just felt like experiencing a cathartic release.
Excuse the fact that I'm just going to ramble about anything that needs to be ejected from my thoughts. I'm not into force. Much. So it's your choice to read my words. I'm known for offending everyone equally. I've had a lot of stress on my shoulders, weighing me down and muting the muse. Let's write about the muse for a moment. All artists have one. But for a writer, the muse is usually from within. So, when I call my muse a workaholic, manic lunatic, I'm essentially calling myself crazy. I am. I like to say I'm introverted to get people to back off. I am, but it's the Muse who is issuing the edict. I do like conversation, when I feel like having it, with whom I feel like engaging. But the truth of it is that I have a few dozen voices in my mind at any given time, so the thought of making inane small-talk is suffocating. I mean, I can't pay attention to anything a random stranger in the middle of the supermarket is saying to me, and I look like a bitch with my resting bitch face snapped into place. Trust me when I say you don't want to know what I'm truly thinking. The nicest words that come to mind are "shut the hell up so I can hear the voices in my damn head!" Now, when I'm informed we'll be having a visitor, I can prepare myself for a one-on-one conversation with someone who is family or friend of the family- someone with a history I know, and I have somewhere to lead in a conversation. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a lot to say, and it all has meaning. So I won't apologize for not giving a shit where you got your hair cut or the shade of your nail polish (unless I compliment it and specifically ask you where you got it). & this doesn't make me a horrible, self-absorbed human being. It's because I don't have room in my mind to accommodate worthless information when I retain everything I hear, see, and experience. I'm a good listener. I'm an excellent advice giver. I'm always in your corner, so don't expect me to forgive the person who hurt you, even if you have. I didn't forget what you told me while crying on my shoulder, so when I see or hear TSTL behavior, I mentally punch you in the face for being an idiot. (Ya know, when you tell me bad things someone says about you, and then I'm supposed to forget it and be happy you're deluding yourself into believing you're happy with this person) Yeah, that might make me a bitch, or that might just make you stupid. Your call. So I spend most of my time inside my head, hanging out with the Muse. So it's very jarring when I have to hold a conversation. This is the mind of madness. And, frankly, I'm happy just the way I am. Those voices in my head are of my creation, and they make up the worlds I put to paper. Resting bitch face: Nope. I'm thinking. Let me think unless it's important, as you might be murdering one of the greatest story threads of my career simply because you had to tell me about something your cat did ten years ago (and I've never met you before and will never see you again after you've recharged yourself by draining my energy, stranger dear. You'll forget me, but I won't forget how angry your rudeness made me). & yes, I know I sound like a c***. But go ahead and talk about something that actually means something to you- connecting with me is not wasting my time. & yes, there is a helluva difference. The Muse is in control of me at all times. Sometimes I rebel, which leads to disastrous decisions and a long time inside a quiet mind, which means I cannot work. The quiet is disconcerting, like being suffocated in silence because a part of you ceases to exist. For anyone who knows an introspective person who loves the quiet (someone who begs for you to turn off the TV or turn down the volume on any noise) you need to realize that chaos inside their mind is no different than hearing 50 outdoor concerts at once, all contradicting and driving them into madness, while being bombarded with opposing emotional stimulation (& for someone like me who feels what you're feeling, I just want you to take your chaotic self away from my bubble, because I don't know if I'm feeling nucking futs, or if you are) So it's not selfish to NEED peace, and your non-important questions and demands can wait until it is important, especially if you're feeling antsy or needy. (seriously, an empath has to determine which of us is actually feeling what. The more energetic you are, the more you drain me) I'm getting older. I just turned 37 in July, and my personality is finally maturing. Perhaps not in a way that makes people happy though. I guess you could say my balls dropped, and I'm finally putting myself first. I'm not mean. I don't yell. & I don't pull asshole shit. That does not make an adult. That simply makes an asshole. I'm blunt, but not in a way that hurts. If you're impressing your will on me, expect to be shut down immediately. But I will not emotionally harm you in any way other than you actually having to hear the word NO for once in your life. Deal with it. So, I'm 37. Single. Married yet haven't spoken to my husband in nearly 5 years (haven't seen him either, and he lives 2 miles from me). I said to my mother today, "I'm not like most people. Lord knows how you would have reacted to the same situation." Bloodshed. That's how she would have reacted. At my age, with no prospects of coupling, I've come to the conclusion I'll never be a mother. But that's probably for the best, as I'm about as cuddly as a rattlesnake. There are some personality types that drive me nucking futs. Needy. Stage 5 clingers. In constant need of validation. I have this thing where I scent out weakness in people, and it's a good thing I never use this for evil. I think my higher than usual empathy helps balance this out. You hurt; I hurt. But with a kid, I could be very nurturing if they needed it to survive and to flourish. But if a person is just sucking me dry to feel good about themselves, I run for the hills. Validation comes from within. No one else can validate you. Ladies? Did you hear me? No one can validate you. So take your daddy issues and your low self-esteem, and pitch that shit in the trash. You be you, and fuck what someone else thinks about you. The only opinion about you that should matter.... is your own. If you can't sleep at night, fix your shit. Do I think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread? No. Do I think I'm beautiful and everyone should love me? Absolutely not. I own a mirror. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and I know I'm the only one who can make myself stronger- who can change me. To me, I don't need the validation of material things, a handsome mate (trust me. Handsome doesn't equate good or balanced). I don't need an ego stroker. I've learned to self everything. Self-soothe. Self. I don't need to be the most beautiful, or the thinnest, or the youngest. My value is between my ears, not between my thighs, and I feel pity for any person who truly believes sex and beauty are the quantifier of life. There isn't a giant bedpost being notched somewhere with a winner being announced as the most beautiful because some Joe Blow said so. "OMG! He thinks I'm pretty!" <groans> (Yes, I realize that sounds like a teenage girl, but I've heard so many women older than me saying shit like that that I want to punch them in the face) He, who is probably an idiot, and we women are treating him as if he is godly just because his dick gets hard when he looks at us- and he lies about it not getting hard for our friends. "How do I know I love you, baby? 'Cuz my dick gets hard!" (actually heard that one a lot) <rolls eyes> He's a guy. He'll get hard when he eats yummy cake. And none of us can compete with cake, so why are we competing with each other. If you have to fight to get him, to keep him, maybe he's the one who isn't worth it. Women have this thing about hating other women as if it makes them better somehow, to the point they don't realize they are hurting themselves. "He picked me over you, bitch!" Too bad he'll probably pick someone else over you later on, because you obviously don't think you're enough or you wouldn't use another person betraying someone else to validate you as being enough! "I'm better than you because my <insert someone other than you> bought me this name brand <insert something you didn't really want, but wanted a materialistic validator> is more expensive than yours." Sorry, I love the purse I bought at the Salvation Army today with my own money, and I only bought it because I really, really loved it, not because I thought someone else would tell me how great I am when I use it in public. Drop those chains, girls. Drop 'em. Experience the freedom and joy of owning what you love, whether someone else thinks it's awesome or not. Do you want to wear something outrageous because you truly love it but fear being made fun of? How does it feel to be oppressed? It doesn't matter if the shirt was free or a thousand bucks, the only joy you'll get out of it should be that freeing feeling you experience when wearing it, not the green-eyed monster you hope to inflict upon others. (It's about Self, remember? What does it matter if someone is jealous of you or not? How does that help YOU?) There also isn't a prize given away for the most virtuous. "Slut!" Unless you're a virgin or a lesbian who's avoided penetration, we've all have a D in our V. It doesn't matter if it was one or a billion, there is no odometer on our vagina. So take your shaming bullshit and pitch it in the trash with your low self-esteem. You be you. You're awesome just the way you are. The individual. Not the societal clone. You being you makes you happy, so be you. Be happy & stop comparing yourself to others. Stop needing to be validated on whether or not you have 'one up' on someone else. What others have or don't have, what others achieve or don't achieve, has absolutely nothing to do with you. There is no total being tallied in the ultimate winner in life. Learn that. Let it sink in. Be happy. I know my family looks at me as if I'm odd (I'm sure you are too). Whispering whether or not I'll ever date, like I'm somehow hung up on my ex or I'm wounded from the events of the past. I'm positive some are questioning my sexual orientation at this point. You want to know my orientation? Hmm? It's called, "I don't want to put up with anyone's bullshit." That's what it's called. It's called, "I'd rather hug myself than settle just because you think normal means to be coupled." I like me. Me, myself, and I get along famously. & someday my prince will come. <blech> I really don't care. Prince? Pauper? How about someone I share a mental connection with, someone who gets me and knows when to back off, or understands that me not engaging them doesn't mean I forgot they existed (we run on Muse time, not anyone else's). Someone who is cerebral- another artist who understands the muse is in control, and their muse has to play nicely with mine. Basically, they have to understand the manic phase of working on a project with maddening absorption, and that it doesn't make either one of us selfish to need to go through life on this roller coaster of insanity. Will this person be a man? A woman? I bet you're curious. I don't care. It's the connection that I care about, so I'm looking at the human being, not a descriptor. Validation. Sure, I'd love some accolades once in a while. I'd love something to show for all of my hard work. Yes, seeing good things said about my books fills my happy meter, and the bad tugs me down. But it doesn't lessen the work I perform. Whether anyone reads my books or not, they still exist. The dollar earned does not dictate the quality of the art. Art is subjective. So love it, hate it, your opinion doesn't change the art. I've had a lot going on, stressing me out, making me stress-eat. I've gained a few pounds I want to beat myself up about, but I'm not a masochist. My clothes are tight... so I decide to knock my shit off and put myself first. That cookie ain't giving me a hug. Those M&M books out of publication aren't giving me a hug. The Muse, she's the one who gives the best hugs. The Muse said 'fuck it all!' Fuck it. Do what makes you happy, what inspires. Are my fans getting upset about Hero? Fuck yeah, they are. Are my Blended fans getting antsy for Warped? Um, yeah. You bet your ass they are. Do I have many fans for my Rusty Knob series? Nope! Do I care? Nope! Not really. It took the Muse 9 months to rewrite Restraint & Unleashed, and she couldn't find Dexter in our mind. Dexter was speaking to me quietly but not truly telling me a direction to go. But he assured me Dalton and Regina were eager for me to hurdle Dexter's book and tackle theirs. But the Muse had other ideas. Nine months for two books... or 8 weeks for Rusty Knob & Tarnished. Which do you think was inspired? I thought I'd lost that manic high of writing until my eyes can't stay open, and I realize it's been 72 hours since I slept last, can't remember when I took a bath or even ate, and taking a piss is just a necessary interruption. It's a high unlike no other. What's this mean for M&M & Blended. It means either the Muse will get to work on Dexter or have her fun in Rusty Knob until the series has met its conclusion (which is half written already. With only 4 short novels and two small novellas. Taking 3 manic writing sessions each. I mean, I've written two books since mid-May) I do know when I hit M&M, I'm going balls to the wall until I'm done. Not a true rewrite like with Restraint. I never planned on changing much of Queen anyway. So, if the Muse doesn't go straight into Stainless (which I feel she probably will) I do plan on going nuts with M&M of Restraint until I hit Hero. It's the Muse's call. She's the creator, and you have to be patient. Will I lose fans? Probably. But it's a risk I'm willing to take, because my creative genius only cares about her own opinion of her work, being as she's the one with the ONLY say-so. Will the tiny fanbase of Rusty Knob care that Tarnished will be a straight book? Probably. I was reading a review of a book last night (I didn't like the book, and I won't apologize for it) and readers had skipped the one prior simply because it was a straight book. I'm serious. Now, that is f'n madness. But then again, I had readers skip Dalton simply because he was gay. Which was even greater madness considering there wasn't a book in M&M that didn't have LGBTQ elements. C'mon! What confuses me the most about this phenomenon of refusing to read a book with a female in it when it's an M/M series, is the fact that the very people refusing to read it have a vagina. For almost nine months straight, I read nothing but M/M and actually lost touch with reality. I lost touch with the fact that I'm a woman, and it's perfectly healthy for me to think that I wasn't gross, and that a man would indeed get off on touching me. Just like every man isn't straight, every man on the planet isn't a closeted gay man. They aren't gay-for-you. They are straight, and they love lady parts too. Hell, as a woman, I love lady parts too, just not as much as I love manly bits. I've seen this happen to other women, where they get blinded by nonstop M/M books, and reading books where the female author is calling a labia 'gross folds' really makes me angry. <grits teeth> It's the opposite of what we are trying to accomplish within the genre. Everything is normal for someone. Being gay is normal for the gay person. Being straight is normal for the straight person. To think that there are entire universes out there in literary land comprised of only gay men, and all the women in the books are simply a means to an end to create children (or not in MPreg) or to inject conflict into the lives of the men is insanity. Every female is the villainess, the wacky TSTL bestie or sister, and the nagging mother or ex-wife. How dare another woman sink their claws into the male characters who belong solely to the female readers and the hot male partner with which they find their HEA? <= that's what I think is ultimately the issue, folks. Sorry if I'm insulting you, but it confuses the hell out of me. I love diversity because the world we live in is diverse. So I won't stunt myself nor my writing by not including lady parts on the pages. Sorry, I love my labia, whether you think the 'folds' are gross or not. Somewhere out there, someone else would really love it too. So just deal. I believe contemporary romance featuring only straight people with token gay friends is bullshit. To take a stand against one genre doing this yet doing it within your genre, within your own mind, is just as negative. & yeah, Tarnished will be filled with lady and male parts because Rusty Knob's patriarch is straight, and he celebrates that fact as much as he celebrates his sons being gay. So if you skip Tarnished and move from Rusty Knob straight to Stainless... first, you're going to be so lost. Second, you're going to miss out on one of my most manic books ever. Seriously, I wrote half the book in one session, the next quarter in another, and this last quarter will be written the same way. It was inspired and completely at the Muse's will. So skip it like others skipped Dalton (who happens to be one of my most intriguing characters) simply because you're bigoted against a specific sexual orientation (oddly enough, in the case of straight women denouncing anything but M/M- your own orientation). When my stories are about the characters and their lives, not about their sex parts. Yeah, I had to get that out there, knowing it will rankle some. I understand if you truly don't like reading a straight book or a gay book, but I'm hoping to challenge your thinking on why that is the case. What switched off your sexuality, to the point you forgot what part is between your legs? What made you decide that it was 'gross' to read about love, no matter who is in love with whom? I understand not liking a specific genre. Like I've been reading Urban Fantasy lately (revisiting an old friend), but I know that not everyone will like it. But when we are talking about human sexuality, when we are all sexual beings, that is a totally different thing. It's not about genre. It's about some bias that is rooted deep down inside of you, and I think you need to explore the why of it. So all I've written above is a manic mess. I get that. I went out into the world at large today, and was inundated by humanity. & it worried me a bit. I fear for intelligence in general. I am terrified about the lack of common courtesy... The assholes who were clogging up grocery store aisles like they owned the f'n world. & the idiot woman who thought I, the one without a cart, and the 5 ppl with carts behind me, should wait and move backwards so she could 'turn around' in a packed aisle (no one was in front of her blocking the end), while the woman in the other 'lane' blocked traffic with her three kids standing in front of shelves while they all spoke on their cell phones and pretended they were the only people on the planet. Then the cashier who didn't speak to the customers until AFTER they checked out, and refused to check out the customers behind them until she had had her conversation with complete strangers who would never see her again. (Farmer boy, God Bless you for taking note of my real bitch face and telling her that you didn't have time to discuss your cattle with the cashier) Don't get me started on Lowe's. Don't. A woman couldn't spell my email address today: wickedwriter.ericachilson... I said, word for word. "Wicked. Writer. Dot. Erica. E. R. I. C. A. Chilson. C. H. I. L. S. O. N." When I looked to check whether or not to accept it, she had written Rider. (Which gave me a chuckle. I'm a deviant, all right. But a wicked RIDER or what? D? ahahaha) I said, "Nope. Writer. As in a person who writes. W. R. I. T. E. R." Well, it ended up being wirter.ericachilson... no wicked, and not spelled properly. Lowe's. She didn't work at Lowe's but she could have been hired there. (I issue an apology for anyone who works at Lowe's on behalf of the 6 idiots who couldn't sell a dishwasher last week. Who wanted us to exchange the imaginary/digital order that they got wrong the first time. I'm sorry you have to work with such people. Truly) I invented a new sport today. Grocery Shopping Football. The end zone is the end of the aisle. Leave your cart with your shopping companion. The ball is the items you need from the shelves. You're the offensive line, and the defense is the assholes who are clogging the aisle. Weave around them, grabbing for the ball (the product) and make a run for your cart at the end zone to score a touchdown. Seriously, it's so much easier than trying to push your cart through the chaos of assholes. Just put your real bitch face on, snarl a bit, and charge between those fuck-faces having meaningless conversations or playing with their phones, and their kids are nearly getting run over by carts... just weave and get your shit and get the hell out of there... and then get home to the little bit of peace and happiness you carve out of it. -peace! A new type of writer's blockWhen I began this rewrite of an entire series of 11 books, I did so for its betterment. I hadn't realized the difficulty I would encounter. I truly hadn't.
When I wrote Restraint back in 2012, I was naive- ignorant, if you will -and I'm not ashamed to admit it. While it's wonderful to see such growth, it's a complete and total nuisance in the present. Restraint wasn't my first work. But since its predecessors never saw the light of day, they didn't necessarily teach me anything. Truthfully, I don't feel as if I was actually learning my craft until after Integrated was published. I took a step back and evaluated the quality of my work. Not just the editing, formatting, and overall professional polish of the product, but the writing itself. It took me a handful of weeks to write Restraint, but it took me almost 5 months to rewrite it. I found it so much more difficult to rewrite a book than to write it from scratch. I encountered obstacle after obstacle. My naivety was coming back to haunt me. While I could draft a better sentence, edit and format to create a semi-professional appearing novel, my hands were tied on the plot. I want to confess, if I wasn't fighting the 10 books released after Restraint, I would have deleted the entire manuscript. I may not have even developed the story at all. It was written by a writer who didn't know how to write. It was told by a storyteller who hadn't come into her own yet. & the writer I am today, the storyteller I am today, had to deal with the consequences. With that saying, I believe in the story and the universe I created, or else I wouldn't be trying to fix what I can. I feel a deep connection and affection for each and every single one of them. I have stories upon stories to tell, as their voices never cease to communicate with me. The characters of M&M are not old friends, they are essentially a part of me. While there are threads in the foundation of the series I would have written differently, or not at all, I'm doing my best to slowly tweak it over several books. This is most difficult when reading past and present reviews (I really shouldn't do that) because they note the things that I wish I could change but I cannot. It is so frustrating. I have to grit my teeth to stop myself from saying anything. I have to do everything in my power not to spiral down into a self-defeatist attitude where I punish myself for my lack of knowledge over 3 years ago. New readers reading the Restraint of today may be turned off by those same issues that are plaguing me as I rewrite the series. But I cannot help that. I take full culpability for every reader I lose, and I appreciate every reader who becomes a fan. The only comfort I can take away from this experience is that at least they are reading Today's Restraint, not the Restraint of the past. At least it makes more sense than it originally did, and it's not riddled with errors, shit writing, and plot holes so large you could sink into them, never to escape. Yes, Restraint is too wordy, but I forgive Katya as she is a book publisher. We lovers of the written word don't know when to shut up, even in our private thoughts- especially in our private thoughts. Yes, Katya has an endless stream of cognitive thought. Yes, I had to do that in order for the reader to understand her actions and reactions, as how else was I to write why she was doing and saying what she was? Still to this day, I am baffled at how else to write that. Restraint was the foundation, so the issues I have with it, the very issues readers take with it, had to be that way for two reasons. One: my hands were tied. (I hate admitting defeat and a sense of powerlessness) Somethings, no matter how badly I wished, I couldn't change them, because to fix it was to ruin what made the series what it is. Two: the book would have felt incomplete if the reader had to guess the entire time. Which also made a good canvas for Unleashed, as Katya's inner monologue is at the bare minimum. We know Katya, so we can accurately predict her actions and reactions, so therefore I didn't have to write it at all. (Thank goodness for that!) So this issue leaves me to where I am currently stuck. I have approximately 1/3rd left to rewrite of Unleashed, and I really enjoyed rewriting the first 2/3rds. I thought it flowed well, made sense, and with just a few minor tweaks in every scene, as well as restructuring every single sentence, I am proud of the result. But the last 1/3rd is a complication. On the rewrite, I finally know my characters inside and out after writing them for 12 books. I have information I didn't have 3 years ago when I didn't know shit about anything. So the characters in Unleashed do not read like the characters of Integrated & Hero, or the newly rewritten Restraint. The last 1/3rd of Unleashed, the actions and reactions of the entire cast of characters do NOT read like them. In this, my hands are not tied. I refuse to be beholden to this for the entirety of the series. Whether old readers reread to eliminate the confusion is up to them, but I cannot chance turning away new readers, destroying any future I have as a writer by leaving well-enough alone... because it's not well enough for the Erica Chilson of today. I read a scene yesterday that I previously loved, even three months ago, & I highlighted the entire thing and pressed delete. To say I felt sick is an understatement. I refused to have that work attached to my name, which is why I feel sick with grief. It's a loss. It's a death. It destroys my confidence as a writer. But after I pull myself back up, which takes some time to feel alive again, I feel the results are a 1000 times better. Then I have my confidence until I hit another brick wall where my hands are tied. (I kick myself in the ass multiple times a day, metaphorically speaking) I'm now at a precipice, having to reevaluate every scene in the last part of Unleashed. But in doing so, I have to determine how it affects the 12 books to follow between Unleashed and Empowered. Even the most minor of tweaks has to be carried through the entire series to avoid contradiction. I have list of a dozen things I have to change, major plot points, in the last 125 pages of Unleashed. I've rewritten new chapters from scratch, only to delete thousands of words, and then I do it all over again- including the deleting. Flashes of insight keep happening. "Do this instead, Erica!" & then I see how it works so much better, how it ties it all together or removes the issue. Trudging forward at a fast pace makes it so I am not receptive to these flashes of insight that make a book a better reading experience. & I fear the regret I will feel once I've finished a book to only have a flash of insight I will never be able to put in use. Right now, I am operating on fear, regret, shame, & a self-defeatist attitude. All the while, I'm trying to maintain a positive outlook because I've grown exponentially in my craft over the past few years. But new readers reading Restraint won't know how much I've grown if they don't give the next book a chance, because I couldn't show that growth in Restraint. Not really. I call my rewrite of Restraint a band-aid. I will forever regret it, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that fact. This is the part of me who wishes she wasn't in charge, who wishes someone would step in and tell her what to do... but I am the one in charge, and only I can make these decisions. Yes, I realize there is major emotional fallout for someone who spends their time inside their imaginations versus reality. Yes, I realize all of my doubts and fears are self-created, yet I'm not able to push how I feel to the wayside. Yes, I know no book will ever please everyone. I am utterly thankful when one person connects to my writing, sees it as it was meant to be seen. But right now, the pressure is suffocating me, and it's a very real thing. The pressure to rewrite these books, not only so I can give the readers something new so they won't forget me, not only so I have a backlist of titles for sale since this decision has left no money trickling into my bank account, but so I can write something new. Creation is at the very core of me, and this tedium is murdering my muse. Rewriting ruined prose while wearing the hats of an editor, graphics designer, publisher, and promoter is not exactly conducive to the creative process. It's draining me of life. (I'm not complaining, or making excuses, for I know I deserve this hell I've descended. I'm explaining where these emotions are emanating) If you are a writer, you will understand to a certain extent. Even after writing and publishing a book, when everyone assumes you are ecstatic, a cloaking type of depression descends- one that is only combated by writing another book, where you subject yourself to this lunacy all over again. (However, I cannot write another book, as I have to continually rewrite what I had previously destroyed) For my readers, I'm not asking for attention, or pats on the back, or for you to kiss my ass and tell me anything negative is because they don't 'get' me. I'm simply trying to impart the impact of not only writing a book but how living it can be on the writer. The more real the characters feel to the reader is in direct correlation to how much the author felt of them while writing the book. The larger the cast of characters, the more insane the author feels. What I really need is for this pressure to be removed. I want to start from scratch, to write a new book with a minuscule cast of characters who haven't been created yet, with stories that need to be told, and I want to do it as someone other than myself. M&M & Blended SecretsI thought it would be fun to share some fun, unexpected, and little-known tidbits with my readers. Enjoy! 1: Restraint was almost a novella, with no other books to be written. This was true all the way up to publishing the first shitty edition. It wasn't until I missed my characters that I began Unleashed. 2: Unleashed was meant to be the conclusion, with no other books to be written, but I saw a way to stay connected with my characters by writing from all the characters' POVs. 3: Dalton was originally a very different character. I wrote him as the villain of the tale. But he evolved into someone I was intrigued with. Dalton will receive another book to show how his life progressed since he took control of his own destiny. 4: Even upon starting Queen, I had NO idea where I wanted to go with Regina. NOTHING. The blinking cursor curse. So I skipped forward and began writing Cortez's book instead, not realizing his book would be 7 books later! 5: I was on vacation in NM, trying to publish D&D, having written nearly 40,000 words for Cort on a cross-country drive. I was sitting at a National Rifle Competition, and I pulled out my plot notebook and got to plotting. In the course of an hour, Cortez was forgotten and Queen was born. A book I thought to be small, a book I had no idea how to write, turned into 1,200 pages and three books with an omnibus edition, with one of the most-loved & respected characters of the entire series. 6: Good Girl was an accident. I hit a brick wall while writing Queened, so I took a step back. I woke one morning with Willow in my head, and I began writing her. 7: Again, Good Girl was meant to be a novella- a distraction. It ended up being one of the longest books I've ever written, spawning an entire series of twisted individuals. 8: Blended is my reality series, with M&M as my fantasy. Everything in Blended is plausible, whereas not with M&M. Not realizing it, I created Blended to balance my emotions as M&M was bleeding me dry. 9: Blended was originally the Playroom series, and it was going to revolve around Augustus Kline's Spook House Playroom. Now, the Playroom is just that, a place to go in a conservative small town to feel FREE of judgment. The series is now solely based on the blended family and their lives. 10: Whereas Blended is finite, M&M will be infinite. I will continue to write it as long as I have inspiring characters, even if readers lose interest. As writing is about the author, never the reader. 11: Blended's 'half' books were an accident. While writing Widow, I realized I wanted to show the behind the scenes Vegas wedding. In doing so, the intersecting characters were born. 12: I shelved Good Girl. Shelved it. I sent it to a few beta readers, who basically said GG felt incomplete. So I shelved it and continued on with the Queen Omnibus, and had absolutely NO plans on ever publishing it. Another instance of not knowing what or whom to write next had me opening the file after Queen. 13: I rewrote GG from scratch, sent it to the betas, and they enjoyed it this time. So I published it even though I didn't feel it was finished. Something just didn't feel right. Still stuck with M&M, I began writing Widow, which was shelved because Good Girl didn't feel right to me. 14: I decided on KING. It wasn't until I finished the first draft that I decided I didn't like how I'd written it. No one knows this, but I completely deleted 57,000 words, created a blank document, and started again... & that is how the GAME was born. 15: The Game didn't exist prior to KING. & on my M&M rewrite, I marveled over how I see grains of it in the text, as if my subconscious was writing it for me. 16: During KING, I fell in love with Generation Next, finally knew who they were and how to write them in the future. During KING, I created GN doing their naughty antics in the background so I'd have a backstory for them when I finally aged them enough to write their complex stories. 17: Restraint: Ava was an afterthought, not in the original draft, but written before first publication. Without doing so, Generation Next wouldn't exist. 18: Currently, Pretty Boy - Whit - Daniel Whittenhower II - Sunshine- is the only character we will see from conception through death (not that I plan on killing him) Pretty Boy is peppered throughout the series, from a small boy, a growing teen, to a grown man. I have no idea why his cameos please me. In Silenced, not only do we read his conception, we will understand how he became to be. 19: Silenced was meant to be a novella, but will now span the entire series. While everyone wants their hands on Master, Silenced will hold more secrets, more surprises, more game plays than any other book. Silenced almost wasn't created, because at the end of Jaded, I MEANT what I wrote. But I bawled for days, and then wrote a way to change the events. I literally mean I SOBBED, as his fate was set in stone before I even began writing Dexter, where we met the 'Daniels'. It took me 4 books, but dammit, I found a way to change that 'sad' fate. 20: Silenced's narrator now makes his 'appearance' in Restraint, because he needed to be there. He is one of the most intriguing characters I've written, even if he's hiding in the shadows... watching. 21: When I wrote the 'Daniels' in Dexter, they were NOT affiliated with Queen. 22: I deleted the entirety of Cortez's book before I began writing The Hunter. The Hunter was written in less than a week, & on the rewrite, I don't plan on changing much of anything besides evolving and editing scenes. 23: Events in Integrated almost went differently, but I had to make a change to make everyone happy. 24: Good Girl: Auggie was meant to be the hero and Kieren the villain. I didn't like the dynamic, the way Willow would have been suffocated, so I changed this on the rewrite. This is why the Good Girl of today has Kieren the hero, Auggie both hero/villain, and Devon the misunderstood hero turned villain. 25: I got my notebook out when rewriting Good Girl. I sat and wrote plot outlines for every book in the series before I even changed a single word of Good Girl. Originally, I was only going to edit the book. One of my betas told me, "After reading Integrated, Good Girl doesn't even sound like your author voice." I was insulted at first. An hour later, I trusted my beta, and got that damn notebook out and got to work. 26: In one of my books, there is a behind the scenes airplane ride. I almost blew up the Jet, killing the characters. The only thing that held me back was there was a 3rd person on the Jet that I was yet to develop, and I would regret not doing so. I then planned on making those 2 characters in the background, but changed my mind for the next 2 book in the series: 1 in the background. 1 right in your face in the foreground. (Good Lord, that character is taunting me as I write this. Pleased. So damned arrogant and... ecstatic) 27: Seth was supposed to be my gay kid. He was until halfway through Widow, when I decided on making him more like his father. Seth being like his father will create an angsty read in Worthy. Worthy's other half ended up being gay instead, and the thought of writing his half of the book makes me feel giddy. 28: Ginny Jamison was meant to be the ultimate villainess, with Sam the saint. The same beta who said GG wasn't up to my new standards, said I had no true relationships between women- best friends who put their friends first. Ginny Jamison & Opal Fischer were born to fill this need, both the best friends. Ginny for Clover and as the female figure in the Masons lives, and Opal for Isis and Robin. 29: Consummate best friends make the best lovers/partners. That is how Wanton was created. 30: Realizing everyone needed a friend, I made sure Colin was there for Malcolm since he lost Sam. 31: Augustus Kline has no real best friend, because his personality gets in the way. While writing WWW, I decided Auggie needed friends who wouldn't put up with his BS. Look forward to the newlyweds to 'manage' the Beast. 32: John Mason was meant to be a total asshole. I left him an asshole but made him the anti-hero. Love or hate him, everyone respected the man who made Malcolm & Auggie into 'real' men. 33: After rewriting Good Girl, I had to delete 70,000+ words of Widow, as it no longer fit. 34: Currently there are 3 pregnant women in the Blended universe, and only 1 is confirmed. By the epilogue of Warped, not only will you know who is pregnant, you will meet every child born from all the adult-aged characters throughout the rest of their lives, as well as who their spouses will be. 35: Blended's bad girls: Lisa, Tina, Nina (HA! All end in A) aren't so bad. They made horrific mistakes, and I cannot wait to write their 'half' books. I promise by the time I'm done, they will find a place in your hearts. 36: Two major/minor (depending on how you look at it) characters WILL die during Hero, creating an opening for me to write three additional books. I'll cry. I will be distraught. A death is always an opening, should never be taken lightly, and should never be purely for shock-value. The angst that will ensue will be scrumptiously painful. 37: I cannot get through Restraint & Unleashed without crying, no matter how many times I've read them. It's worse if I read Integrated first. But I never, EVER have felt a lick of indecision or remorse for how I wrote the events of Integrated. 38: Integrated was not an ending; it was a beginning. Relationships will change, will evolve, will become what they should have always been. (Make sure you read between the lines I just wrote) 39: Leviticus Wilson will get a book, even though I didn't plan on writing him one. Faithless, being as long as it was, was NOT the end of the story. 40: Zane's book will be titled Empathy. 41: Ava's book will be titled Monster. 42: If Azrael receives a book, hers will be titled Demon. 43: Same with Marcus Zane. Unicorn, because I have a odd sense of humor (You'll see. LMFAO). & No, MZ is not gay. 44: The Jessups, introduced in The Hunter & Integrated, all will become significant in the lives of many characters. 45: Stanton & Caleb's baby siblings- Josey, Quint, Tia, and Liam - are introduced in Hero, and three already have mates in the current cast of characters. 46: Torian & Zane: one will get a predictable mate, while the other will want but not receive, and get someone no one would have guessed, not realizing it was more predictable than the first. 47: The BDSM aspects in my books are not about KINK. It is a representation of leaders, followers, and those in between, and how our core personality affects our lives. Power exchanges. Give and take. Freedom. 48: The rewrite of Faithless will be darker, more brutal, more descriptive. I'm so going 'there'. 49: I have many regrets, but my hands are tied in making those changes during the rewrite. But I will change what I can for the integrity, flow, and overall entertainment of both of my series. Yes, Blended will be rewritten/edited after the release of Empowered. 50: The dark and shadowy hand of Death will decimate Hero, drawing lines between many characters, even breaking up a marriage, the powerful will lose their shit, drawing the underdogs to the top, causing a phoenix to rise from the ashes to give them hope, and creating more books to be written... I apologize for the wait, as creative genius takes time, planning, and an inspired muse. If I could, I would dump the contents of my mind into my laptop and allow it to sort out the details... A girl doesn't have that many hours in a day to perform such a feat. It's a REAL book!The Evolution of RestraintIt's been a long road, with a lot of trial and error, and I'm finally happy with the finished product. Would I have changed things along the way? Absolutely! As I rewrote Restraint, there were many things I would have done differently, changes I wished to make, but I held back. There were quite a few things I did change, which will affect the series as a whole, & others I chose to keep the same for integrity's sake. Restraint went from a 40,000 word novella to a 150,000+ novel. Katya Waters is a book publisher; she is bound to be wordy. Can't wait for our quiet/romantic Dexter Hayes! Restraint was my trial and error book, and each book forward will teach me more. So, as I worked through the writing, proofreading, editing, rewriting, more editing, formatting for both print and ebook, covers, print cover wraps, promoting & advertising, I've learned a lifetime of knowledge that no one can ever take away. Love or Hate Restraint, I'm more mature emotionally, chronologically, and within my craft, and that is priceless. Where am I now? Awaiting Restraint's 2nd print proof since there were a few formatting issues I couldn't live with. While impossible to be perfect in all aspects across the board- undoubtedly if you looked for errors, you'll spot them, as it is with all things -I am proud that I was able to wear so many hats and take complete ownership of Restraint, from the content, the cover, and all aspects of publishing. If you love it, I accept your pat on the back. If you hate it, I'll take the criticism in stride and learn from it if it's constructive. I will be uploading the ebook edition shortly, and hopefully giving the A-Okay to the print proof after I receive it. After which I will begin on Unleashed again. Yes, Restraint took a lot longer than I anticipated. But this is FINAL. I've now read Restraint 100+ times and I doubt I can do it ever again. I'm at a precipice with Unleashed, as I'm sick of this portion of the storyline, and cannot wait to get to Dexter & Dalton. No, I am not rushing. I refuse. This is my life's work, and it is a representation of me, and to put forth anything less would be to do a disservice to myself and my work. I won't apologize for taking too long. I'll try not to feel badly as I miss sales, as my monthly income has shrunk to nearly nothing. Slowly but surely, I will be republishing my books, and I will be proud of what I put forth. But it takes time to be so thorough as I wear every hat in the publishing world, so I hope you don't forget about the Zeitlers, don't forget about the Prynnes and Masons, as I strive for betterment. Print ProofRestraint's Blog Tour****ATTENTION BLOGGERS**** Betterment of the SeriesErica's demanding schedule:
Week 1 of January: Restraint will be reread again while I'm on vacation, as will Unleashed, with errors noted. Week 2 of January: Restraint will be uploaded to create the print edition while Unleashed is with the betas. Dexter's rewrite. Week 1 of February: Organizing Restraint's Relaunch while preparing Unleashed for print. Week 2 of February: Restraint's Relaunch. Dexter's beta read. Dalton's rewrite. Week 1 of March: Unleashed's Relaunch. Dalton's beta read. Timetable: Each rewrite will take approximately 3-4 weeks, depending on length, with the shorter books taking less, depending on difficulty of the changes, and the lengthier books taking a considerable amount of time. Each beta read is exactly 14 days, with another week to process the changes. Guesstimate: Restraint - Dalton will Relaunch every two weeks, with a lag for the Queen, since I will not release Jaded & Queened until Checkmate and the Omnibus edition are ready. I will be rewriting this three-book omnibus edition as if it were one book, giving myself a two-month time frame for completion, and a 3 week beta read as the betas will be reading Queen as a whole, not the individual books. Queen's tentative relaunch is set for week one of May. I do not foresee significant changes to the books following Queen, other than heavy editing, a few added scenes, and any and all contradictions to the previous changes within the series removed. Don't quote me on that. Meaning, King, The Hunter, and Integrated should go quickly on the rewrite and subsequent beta read, but will still take an average on one month per title for my betas' comforts.... .... and then there is Faithless. Outlook, three months, with the end product as long as the Queen Omnibus, which in its current state is 1,224 pages in length. "I won't rush. I will not rush. ERICA, YOU WILL NOT RUSH!" I've repeated this mantra for the past few months, trying to slow myself down, remove the anxiety, and go at a steady pace as this is most definitely a sprint, not a marathon. No one understands the impact of what I had to do this morning. I had to remove all of M&M from sale in both Amazon & B&N. I had 16 books for sale, contributing to my financial stability, and as of a few hours ago... I now only have 4, all offered at bottom-basement prices. Regardless of the anxiety, the stress over making such a monumental decision, I believe it was the correct path of action. Not only for the M&M series, but for me as a writer as well. I don't want my current abilities to be judged on my past ignorance. It takes a humble yet strong person to admit defeat, to pick themselves back up, and regroup. I will be a stronger person for this. I'll be more proficient in my writing, and my readers will thank me for amping up the entertainment value. But most importantly, my creations will be as I envisioned them. Peace! -Erica Chilson |
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